on staying.

Staying is not something I've done much of in my life. Since 1998 I've been fluttering about hither and yon. My poor grandmother has three pages in her address book dedicated to my wanderings, with sticky notes piled upon sticky notes.

I like the excitement of exploration, the thrill of the unknown becoming known, new friends becoming trusted confidants, re-inventing myself within the constructs of wide-ranging jobs, nesting into a new homespace, falling in love with a place, a people, a culture, a lifestyle... and then picking up and starting all over again.

That is, I liked all that. Madagascar has exhausted the sojourner in me. For once in my life, I kinda just feel like staying put.

Why would I want to pack up what meager possessions I have and move to another village just to start back at square one... spending months re-introducing myself and the Peace Corps mission to a community already inherently distrustful of strangers, re-identifying already established roles, building boundaries with children (and adults) who are overly-comfortable with entering my house uninvited, figuring out where I can go to feel safe, comfortable and welcome in a place that can sometimes feel so foreign and bizarre? No, all that's not for me to go through all over again. Been there, done that. It is better (easier?) that I simply stay in my little hut home and be patient through this entire process.

And so, life goes on in its ever-changing, never-changing way that defines village Africa. I haven't spoken to my counterpart Pierre for about three weeks, ever since I told him in all likelihood he wasn't going to be able to go to America. (If you haven't read the back story about this issue, click http://vinmadagascar.blogspot.com/2010/12/hard-times.html.) The dynamics between us have certainly changed. Back in early December, after I initially contacted Peace Corps about my concerns surrounding his relationship with the previous volunteer, I made a follow-up phone call to my supervisor to let him know how things were going in my village. It was then that I received the shocking news that the Peace Corps Country Director had contacted the US Embassy in Antananarivo to request they withhold Pierre's visa to America! I couldn't believe it! I had no idea that one little phone call to discuss my uncertainties about how to handle the situation in my village could possibly lead to Pierre's inability to gain entry into the United States!

A sinking feeling came into my stomach shortly thereafter: how was I ever to break this kind of terrible news to Pierre? The waiting and wondering for those couple weeks while Pierre was on holiday with his girlfriend/volunteer were fairly torturous. Eventually, the time came when Pierre returned back to village, around the second week of January. I could hardly look him in the eye; my face flushed hot when I saw the boastful manner in which he walked around the village, donned in all-new clothes and fancy shoes, the way he spoke to the other villagers who asked him where he'd been all this time.

So, the time came for me to be the bearer of some bad news. I told Pierre he wouldn't be able to obtain a visa to America. Imagine breaking news like that to someone in a foreign language with limited vocabulary! I tried to explain as best I could, but he had already made up his mind: I was the one who was making it impossible for him to go to America (didn't you know?- I am solely responsible for US Embassy affairs in Madagascar)! He is convinced that I called Peace Corps with the pure intention of making him stay here.

All this happened about three weeks ago. After much discussion between us initially, in which I tried and tried to explain, Pierre and I have ceased speaking. Certainly he is upset with me, though that all comes out in the Malagasy fashion of utter passivity- for he is in no way an emotionally demonstrative person, as is the culture here. Likewise, I have my own feelings of disappointment with him, and upset with the previous volunteer for all this mess.

Then again, no one said Peace Corps was going to be easy.

Though the dynamic between my counterpart has changed, I try to remember that it is my village as a whole that I am meant to support; they are the ones that I stay here for.